obviously he’s confused.

Things Michael Has Said Since The “Incident”

1. Don’t be regretful, but don’t look too far into it.

2. So, tell me, how do you think I should feel about what happened?

3. I did it because you’re amazing and awesome and I like you so much.

4. We should probably just do it again, right? Because the tension’s back.

5. Listen, I need you to help me with my in-text citations, and if you’d like, I could help you take off that skirt.

inevitable.

“Is this going to change our friendship?” He asked as I started unbuttoning his pants.

I rolled my eyes. “Of course it will, Michael,” I said. “With all this tension out of the way we can finally be friends.”

With that we resumed our drunken hook-up, both of us pretending that my explanation justified the mistake we were making. The next morning my hair was mushed to one side and I had drooled on his shoulder. I tried to sneak out but he caught me and pulled me back onto his chest.

“This totally changed everything, didn’t it?” I just nodded and told him I’d see him down at brunch.

someone else is right? huh.

Michael came over two days ago to pretend to apologize. He did the whole “I’m sorry that I’m unreliable and don’t call or text or act like a friend should BUT…” and then listed reasons justifying his behavior, thus canceling out the apology altogether.

That’s all right though because -ALERT: A MOMENT OF HUMILITY- he’s right.

I’m either truly pissed off at him or faking, making it really difficult for him to know if we’re on good terms. So he waits for me to contact him, so then he knows that I’m no longer upset and want to hang out.

I hate being this cryptic.

humbert humbert.

It doesn’t seem like Ryan’s having fun in Mexico. He’s either working on the Art History paper due Thursday or reading for class. I thought I’d be reveling in his misery and chanting I told you so but I actually feel bad that he went all that way and paid money on a last minute plane ticket to not really enjoy himself.

He invited me to his house for spring break. My gay best friend (yes, I’m a hag), Khaled, thinks it’s an awful idea for reasons that will surface later in this blog. I can’t say I wasn’t enticed. Yes, we have some tension, but mostly I like fucking around with him for hours. He makes doing “nothing” enjoyable.

After a three hour nap (5:00 to 8:00) this evening I was feeling really unaccomplished so I went to the library or The Dungeon Where Undergrads Go to Die Slowly. I quickly typed up a response paper for Political Science and read/editted two stories from my writing workshop. I’d say it was a pretty successful two hours.

When I was packing up to leave Michael stopped by to ruin my good mood. He tried to get himself out of the doghouse by offering me a cookie.

A cookie? Really? Am I a twelve-year-old girl, Michael? Are you a pedophile?

I quickly shrank away from him and hurriedly went back to the dorms. In the future, please don’t try to lure me with baked goods. My response won’t be wet panties.

sex me, please.

In Human Evolution today we learned that bonobos have sex all day, every day, regardless of gender or age.

A male bonobo has found a new source of food? He celebrates by “penis fencing” with his hunting buddy. A female wants to solidify her relationship with her best friend? She rubs her genitals all over her. It takes them thirteen seconds to achieve orgasms, lucky little bastards.

During the lecture a guy in the class began blushing and then uncontrollably laughing. He couldn’t stop. He left the room twice.

I immediately pegged him as someone who’s never had a girlfriend because if the thought of animals mating to solve a conflict brings him to giggles he mustn’t ever had make-up sex, or as I like to call it, I know I’m right but you look so damn good when you’re yelling at me like that sex.

Hopefully I’ll be having that soon when me and Michael quit our aggressive ignoring. You know, the terrible glances at each other across the dining hall, speaking to everyone at the table except for each other. It can only end in nakedness and we both know it.